Hello, again

It feels strange to write again, alien almost. So much has happened since the clusterfuck that was the 2020/2021 period which led to me losing my phone, laptop, website and ultimately, my faith in people, in rather quick succession. Nevertheless, I’m back with a somewhat renewed sense of direction (still very little faith in people, but I’m working on it). I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still tired, overwhelmed, and severely overstimulated. Turns out this has been my life as far back as 2016, and probably even further if I’m being completely honest. Needless to say, I’m working more deliberately on re-establishing the right balance (hello fellow libras, I see you 🙃). A huge part of this process also includes giving myself grace for all of the deadlines I’m unable to meet; all of things that roll over from one to-do list to the next; and all of the people inevitably affected as a result. Although I am (too) often stretching myself to the absolute limit of my physical, mental and emotional capacities, in the end, I am human. There is only so much I can do in a day, and only so much I can (and am willing to) do for everyone else in a day.

Community.

Whenever I reflect on the past few months (April to August), I still have trouble understanding how and when I’ve gotten to this point. How has it been both the slowest and fastest period of my life to date? Understanding this is a separate post entirely, and I’ll definitely need some more time to process everything. For now, I’m learning how to sit comfortably in all of these strange feelings. So much of the creative journey is mental that sometimes I forget: creation is not synonymous with isolation! Yes, there are periods where we turn inward but we don’t stay there. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes in my refusal to be reliant on anyone (which I read is actually a trauma response but we’ll circle back another day), I forget that there are persons who have been and will continue to be placed in my life for the sole purpose of being a refuge, in much the same way that I am for others. I’m learning to be okay with that. It’s a weird thing to even have to learn since I’m big on reciprocity in every other area of my life. But thank God for community. Thank God for the persons who so patiently held my hands as I waded through the thick, unforgiving muck of fear and uncertainty. Thank God for the persons who waited for me to find myself again. Even on my toughest days, when my proverbial tank was empty and I was running on fumes, it was my gratitude for them and the rest they allowed me, that carried me through. Sometimes one good conversation with the right person is enough to set you back on the right course, and I’m incredibly blessed to have had those conversations at key points in my life this year.

So, here's to reading and writing more consistently!